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A Philosophy of Chocolate

Sitting around on the top of this mast all day, leaves me with more than just seagull shit in my hair and a sore bum. Oh yes, there's plenty of time to think and, you know, I think all my thinking has finally delivered of me a thought, in the form of one long neglected solution to the appalling mess of affairs we lovingly refer to as our world. I was chewing my chocolate ration when I realised the gross oversight, by political leaders around the world, of the tremendous potential that strategic and massive chocolate drops could have on various troubled places where the political and social climate is volatile and occasionally downright nasty. Countries whose leaders are evidently so goddamn miserable for the lack of decent chocolate in their lives that they have become corrupt, treating their country and people with an unashamed lack of respect and heinous cruelty.

They have become greedy, jealously hoarding what meagre supply of decent chocolate that there is, and eating, all of it, themselves. Munching and sweating guiltily into the early hours of the morning. This would also explain why the majority of these tyrannous leaders remain plump and well rounded whilst a high percentage of the population of the country they claim to serve, starve. If one of these unconvincing approximations of human beings ever do share the chocolate then it will be only grudgingly with one or two of their lieutenants in order to ensure their continued support. At these times the chocolate would be eaten with ritual sobriety, slowly melted on the tongue between sips of hot, strong black coffee. Each morsel of chocolate relished to the very edge of the aftertaste. One of these sessions will generally leave the participants with a modicum more humanity about their persons, as if reminded that they once had a soul between them.

Therefore it will often be the cue for a few Local Heroes: political prisoners, to be allowed out from under house arrest for a few days. Maybe a few less homeless people will get beaten up that week. Unfortunately, this change of mood only lasts for as long as the aftertaste, then both the Chocolate craving and the cruelty begin again. Its a vicious circle. Had the tyrannous leader never been deprived of chocolate as a small child himself, he would never have developed into the miserable petty minded, mean spirited, criminal that we know and hate today. The effects that chocolate deprivation can have on a person's personality, particularly when said person has been deprived of it in their formative years, is another long overlooked and neglected area of study. Solution: Air drop huge and plentiful boxes of every kind of real chocolate on affected areas, sit back and let the chocolate do its thing.

Of course, no Nestle products, the Captain heard a rumour that their company policy is as petty and mean spirited as the aforementioned tyrannous leader: NB: In order to maximise the speed and efficiency of the chocolate effect, Ground forces could be deployed to distribute vast quantities of that other dark chewy stuff, such a wonderful companion and all round good friend to the whole Chocolate experience. It is a fact that strategic Chocolate strikes would be a lot cheaper than using valuable hardware, which could otherwise be deployed for self defense against Extra Terrestrials (God help us). Also, to provide NATO with chocolate for use as projectiles would be a, relatively safe, opportunity for them to get some much needed target practice. The money saved could then be used to create homes and buy real food for those starving and homeless.

Another positive aspect to this plan is that dropping chocolate could in no way be interpreted as anything but a gesture for peace. Imagine the various scientific and creative breakthroughs that could be achieved if the people of all countries put aside their various religious and spiritual beliefs and came together in all consuming chocolate harmony. To find long-lasting peace and experience the profound realisation that chocolate is 'The Way'. Our one common enemy is 'poor quality'. HIT THE DECK and avoid the serious consequences that this neglect of chocolate, as a powerful political and sociological necessity, (as it is a reasonable alternative to killing people), and as good a solution as any for a possible safe and effective means of ending the turmoil within which poor deprived souls are evidently embroiled - the tragic consequences of a dearth of real chocolate.

And, as the chocolate melts, gliding gently down a multitude of throats, mellow smiles appear on the faces of Saddam's abused children. Yes Chocolate; Saddam and Whatabitch Milosovic would have grown up a whole lot more like that polite, obliging, bloke at the local store if only they'd accessed those Cocoa rites and been catapulted along that Chocolate passage at an age of maturity appropriate for the realisation of the concept of 'Chocolate'. The only thing Homer Simpson ever got right. We elect that all political or military leaders as described above, should be urged along the Chocolate Whizzway as a matter of some urgency. And why is it that the United States is reportedly alleged to have a higher proportion of obesity amongst its population than anywhere else? Answer: Hershey Bars.

Elementary really: children forced to eat Hershey bars and other poor quality, synthetic fakes, out of the lack of availability of a good inexpensive alternative. Subsequently, having not satisfied that craving for the essential chocolate 'satori' of the taste buds - that epiphany of sweet things essential for the development of a healthy spiritual and material life and the eventual attainment of self actualization and a healthy body - they tragically quest on through the candy bars clocking up the calories. Few are lucky enough to visit Europe and commence chocolate initiation. Most remain unsatisfied and the extremely unlucky end up in a sad kind of afterlife, a literal vertigo of inept - feelings of inadequacy that lead to compulsive eating. All this because they have never achieved the chocolate plateau or had that lingering loving experience of refinement and perfection, satisfaction.

There may be help for a fortunate few, who have a good doctor and are referred to a caring professional who has often, throughout the course of his or her career, pondered on the meaning of chocolate and through this meditation has matured into an anthropologist and philosopher in their pursuit of answers. They would probably have, managed that rough and rocky ride through puberty by consuming large quantities of chocolate and in their student years have been sustained through long tough exams by same. Under their expert care, the more fortunate sufferer will be prescribed, with little more ado, two weeks supply of large, chunky Swiss chocolate to be taken 100 mg, four times a day, with one or two Thorntons truffles per night to be taken in the event of poor sleep. Before a week of time has elapsed, the patients will begin to experience the positive effect of that calming, satisfying feeling of biting into a large chunk of good quality chocolate.

Cradling the morsel gently on the tongue as it gradually melts, the taste sliding tenderly over the tonsils around the oesophagus through the intestines into to the stomach where miraculously coordinated blood vessels rush to absorb those molecules of fundamental goodness and hurry it away to distribute among the various needy chocovit receptors in the body. Such a simple yet succulent solution to depression. I will never give up hope for it. One cannot help but wonder at the confounded LIES people must have been told in order to lead them to the erroneous perception that Hershey Bars & other such cheap imitations, that taste as if they have been dropped down back of a tramp's cardboard sofa, several years ago, are in fact Chocolate. NEWSFLASH: That is not and never will be Chocolate! There's an x-file in this somewhere. Life without righteous easy access to decent chocolate can only be torture, Hershey victims everywhere should put in a claim for compensation. I would like to leave you with this thought:

A ritual Lindt, Thornton's or, if you're feeling thin, Galaxy Hazelnut, sensually unwrapped, snapped and popped into the mouth where it melts, slowly, gently, washing over the taste buds. That slight stickiness which occurs in the corners of the mouth, carefully, sensitively licked and licked around with the tongue until melted to a faint, cosy aftertaste, chocolate dreamtime. Nirvana?...................... I'm not sure, let me try some more. Feed back,............... Stowaway and collect your free chocolate bar. Oh, hold the phone, Admiral Gaz is shouting orders at me from the deck... something about the unashamed promotion of an industry that is largely responsible for the rape of forests and vegetation, not to mention the unfair treatment of native workers........... NB: long after this meandering piece of madness was penned, the news hit the headlines that there is now scientific evidence that chocolate is good for the eater, more specifically it is extremely good for the heart (it is also good for the soul, but that's a lot harder to prove).


As the years have passed and UK obesity has begun rivalling all other realms in terms of sheer magnitude and dedication, I have pause for reflection that maybe I have been unduly harsh with regard to American chocolate a long time in the past when I was a mere strip of a tar. Although I would like to state here for the record that an American friend did once feed me some kind of hershey peanut cup that actually did taste as if it had fallen down the back of a sofa at least three weeks before it arrived in my gob, and that was a taste that tormented and one that I would happily forget. .... pass me a chip.....

I now approaching the point of view that actually there may in fact be many American friends that are in fact in the very picture of rude health. And I thinks to myself, "of course!, there had to be a chocolate grail somewhere there, something untoward, undreamed of, unlikely but otherwise how is it these people can grow so strong and healthy and wealthy."

Then I thinks to myself "No .... that would have to have been made in Switzerland." "Then again," I thinks to myself, "There has to be something within that glow of good health that I now imagine surrounding so many of these drawling peeps. More to it than some tenuous mythic grail of a chocolate that is of dubious origin and a load of six month old imported Mars and Snickers bars (renamed for the American market as the company were busy 'snickering' about the amount of time it would take to get from Chocolatier to American public - Like as if you wouldn't notice! You really have to eat them before they arrive. Actually, coming the other way, that might explain the taste of that Hershey peanut abomination).